Saturday 27 August 2011

Jam tarts and ****ing technology

How can something as benign and charming as a village flower show cause such angst and sleeplessness? And we’re not even entering our prize raspberries or dahlias. Thank God, since we were visited today by an almighty thunderstorm. Having queued to hand in our forms and 50ps per entry, Lily and I thought we were home and dry. I’d already taken my photograph of a village scene and merely had to print it out; Lily had already created her courgette and carrot character and had only to make six jam tarts. Which she has duly done and gone to bed, leaving me to sweep up the flour, wash up and take the tarts out of the oven.

Oh, there goes the timer. No, not quite done. I’ll give them a few more minutes. Back to the wretched wifi printer which will not connect over the airwaves with my wretched computer. Right, I’m going to switch everything off and start again.

As my mother always said, if you can smell it, it’s done. Or, in the case of jam tarts, overdone. Argh. Now I have to make a new batch of tarts. I’ll use Lily’s pastry, so hardly cheating at all.

Right, they’re in the oven. Now back to the wretched computer. Green lights are flashing on the wifi. Argh. Computer can’t find any wireless networks in range! Neither can printer! Argh.

Jam tart mission accomplished. Cooled, arranged on a plate, covered in clingfilm. Computer, printer and router, however, in danger of being flung on floor in fury. Photograph remains unprinted. There will be a hole in the display tomorrow. Entry No 77: scratched. The frustration and ignominy.

Now Lily’s awake. A combination of Dusty snoring and me swearing.

Sodding hell! I’ve pressed the wireless reset button on the router for so long I think I’ve lost my network altogether. I remember reading something about holding it for more than 15 seconds resets it to default, and the settings I want are not default, but Lord knows how to reconfigure it again. So that’s it. No prize-winning photograph. No email. No internet. No blog.

I can hear a faint tapping sound. Is it the router crackling back to life? I get closer and realise the sound is coming from upstairs. I rush up in the dark and fling back Lily’s bedclothes. Just as I thought. On the DS. I grab it from her and swear some more. This has turned into a very bad day.

Fuck it. I really have buggered the wifi. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh my God. I am a technical genius. I went on to Internet Explorer just in case it was secretly connected, and it said Congratulations on purchasing this SpeedTouch residential gateway and would I like to set up my connection. Ha!


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