Thursday 22 November 2012

How to fill the void when children flee the nest

Fellow blogger I Don't Know How She Doesn't Do It was on Lorraine Kelly's telly programme this morning, talking about the void that ensues when your children leave home/go to secondary school, when you realise that you have spent the past 11 years or more devoted solely to them and their needs and neglected your own.

You see? Just like me. Searching for a meaningful way to occupy my days. Dreaming up schemes, pursuing new enterprises, heading up cul-de-sacs. As inspiration for women in the same boat as me, I offer a taster of my Herculean efforts and achievements since Lily forsook me in favour of boarding school. 

In little more than a year, I have:

1. Come up with countless inventions or, to be precise, come up with the idea and name of countless inventions that have yet to be actually invented, such as:

a) Mind to Manuscript™ - your thoughts sent seamlessly to a document, without the irritating process of having to dictate/transcribe/remember/type them. 

b) Sound Steps™ - a musical staircase for the blind (actually Dan invented it, but I came up with the ingenious name)

c) Light Steps™ - an illuminated staircase for the deaf who can't hear the musical one (ditto)

d) Safe 'n' Dry™ - a spokeless umbrella that won't poke your eye out

e) Dropping Out - crow poo remover

2. Put an ad in the Mistlebourne Magazine offering my services as a cook, universal aunt, dogsitter, errand-runner, specialised cleaner and unofficial taxi service (yielding £255, see No 3) 

3. Dogsat at a revenue of £15 a day for a total of 17 dog nights (yielding £255 towards my goal of £45,000 per annum for 8.3 recurring dogs a day)

4. Given three women a lift to Candlebury at a cost of £10 each (yielding minus £320 [£300 for the new cam belt, £20 for the replacement taxi for the three women])

5. Virtually applied to be a Domino Pizza delivery woman and a Flexible Viewing Assistant

6. Minded an art gallery (yielding £0 since I broke a vase) 

7. Led a tour to Vietnam

8. Kept a marvellous blog and worked tirelessly on monetisation (yielding £0)

9. Written a romcom bestseller (yet to bestsell)

10. Started writing an erotic bestseller

You see, Lorraine's right. There's loads of things you can do if you're an intelligent woman sitting at home. You just have to apply yourself and keep positive!


  1. As usual, hilarious. I am in much the same boat. They still come home for their raves on the weekend, and to deposit their washing, so it's a limbo world of smelly youth and tired moi. And yes to the crazy schemes! I have loads of them - at least in Italy you can teach English! Xcat

    1. Thanks! I've just been over to your blog and realised you've actually published your book! Congratulations. How are sales? Shame we didn't meet in person at the Blogfest, but let's keep connected. Off to read more of you... E X